From Push to Pull: Why Inviting Your Teen Matters More Than Demanding Their Time
You’re not being ignored. You’re being outpaced by biology—and here’s how to stay connected anyway.
Let’s be honest.
It stings.
You spent years building blanket forts, packing lunches, and being the sun in their solar system.
And now? They barely glance up from their phone. They dodge dinner invitations. They disappear into their room or their friends or their own reflection in the mirror.
And the worst part?
It’s not that they don’t want to hang out with you.
It’s that it feels like they don’t even think about you.
You’re not being dramatic.
You’re being human.
And you’re not alone.
Remembering What It Felt Like
Let’s go back.
When you were sixteen, did you intentionally ignore your parents?
Or did your entire field of vision shift forward—toward friends, freedom, and figuring out who you were?
Teenagers don’t set out to abandon us.
They just stop orbiting around us because their future is out there, not back here.
And while it hurts—it’s also exactly what’s supposed to happen.
What’s Really Going On
Your teen isn’t pulling away because you’re boring or broken or bad at parenting.
They’re pulling away because their brain is under construction.
Here’s what we know:
The adolescent brain is wired for novelty, peer validation, and autonomy.
Dopamine, the “feel-good” chemical, spikes more when teens are around friends than around parents or teachers.
Social interactions at this age are not optional—they’re biological imperatives.
In other words, your teen is neurologically driven to seek out others in order to figure out themselves.
The Social Experiment of Becoming
Think of it like this:
Teenagers are walking social experiments.
They observe.
They hypothesize.
They test.
They fail.
They adjust.
They become.
And their lab?
It’s not the family dinner table.
It’s Snapchat. It’s the school hallway. It’s the awkward, beautiful, identity-building mess of friendships and firsts.
This doesn’t mean you don’t matter.
It means you’re no longer the main character—and that’s developmentally appropriate.
Why Pushing Doesn’t Work
When we demand time with our teens—"Come downstairs now," "Put your phone away," "You never talk to me anymore"—we might get compliance.
But we rarely get connection.
Because control is the one thing your teen is trying to reclaim.
And even if your intentions are loving, demands feel like power struggles.
What they need instead is agency.
A choice.
An invitation.
Something that says, “I see you” instead of “You owe me.”
What an Invitation Looks Like
Here’s the magic of an invitation:
It communicates care without control.
It might sound like:
“I’m heading out for a walk—want to join me?”
“I was thinking of ordering sushi later. Want to pick the rolls?”
“I miss your company. No pressure, but I’d love to hang out if you’re up for it.”
No strings. No guilt. Just open doors.
And one example I often give my clients is this:
Pretend you’re a motel.
Your job isn’t to chase your teen down. Your job is to turn on the VACANCY sign and keep it lit.
Every small gesture—leaving their favorite snack out, staying up just a bit later, sitting quietly on the couch with a book—signals, You’re welcome here. I’m ready when you are.
Even, and especially, when that knock on the door comes at 10:47 PM, and suddenly they’re ready to talk.
A Different Way to Stay Close
So what do we do when it hurts?
We remember:
It’s normal to feel lonely in this stage.
It’s okay to grieve what once was.
And it’s powerful to shift from demand to invitation.
You are not being erased.
You are being re-positioned.
You’re moving from center stage to backstage support.
And while it’s less glamorous, it’s no less sacred.
You get to be the steady presence they know they can return to.
The one who never stopped offering the open hand—even when it wasn’t grabbed right away.
And if you’re sitting in that ache right now—the tender space of feeling pushed aside by the very people you poured your heart into—I created a meditation just for you.
It’s called “A Meditation for Parents Grieving the Shift in Connection with Their Teen,” and you can listen to it here on Insight Timer.
It’s gentle, validating, and meant to help you breathe through the change instead of bracing against it.
What about you?
What’s one way you’ve invited your teen into connection lately?
What do you remember about your own need for space when you were their age?
Drop it in the comments. This is the stuff we all need to say out loud.
You’re not being left behind.
You’re holding space at the edge of their becoming.
And I’m right here with you.
With heart,
Ashley