Sibling Showdowns: Why Your Kids Keep Fighting (and What to Do Instead)
Hint: It’s not about figuring out who started it.
There’s a moment every parent knows too well.
One child is crying.
The other is fuming.
And you—armed with nothing but a half-drunk coffee and a vague memory of the last parenting book you read—are left to play detective, judge, and referee.
Spoiler alert: There’s no winning this game.
I hear it all the time from parents: “I’m so tired of the fighting.”
“Why can’t they just get along?”
“It always escalates the moment I step in.”
You’re not alone. And it’s not your fault. But the truth is: how we respond to sibling rivalry can accidentally add fuel to the fire. Even when we’re trying our very best.
Let’s talk about why.
🔁 Why Do Siblings Really Fight?
Positive Discipline has a quote I return to again and again:
"The best way to train your children to fight is to keep getting involved in their fights."
Ouch, right?
It’s not that we want to pick sides. It’s that one kid is clearly distraught and the other one is clearly… guilty. Right?
Wrong.
What’s actually happening is often much deeper than “who hit who.”
Most sibling fights are not about toys, turns, or territory. They’re about attention, belonging, and power—all things that are core to a child’s sense of identity and safety.
And when parents get involved—especially by trying to play referee—we can accidentally reinforce that fighting is a guaranteed way to get us involved.
🔄 Birth Order Plays a Role
Here’s something I explain to many families I work with:
Oldest kids tend to be the most buggable. Why? Because they’re often more rule-oriented, more invested in doing things “right,” and they expect younger siblings to follow suit. Spoiler: they don’t.
Youngest kids often get the biggest payoff. They cry, escalate, and pull parents in—and it works. Fast.
That dynamic trains kids—without anyone meaning to—that fighting is a surefire way to get attention, power, or control.
💬 What to Say Instead
I was recently in a parent session with a mom of two—an 8-year-old and a 5-year-old—who said she was losing it every time they fought. She felt trapped between wanting to protect one and needing to discipline the other.
So we started simple.
I suggested she stop using their names during conflict. Instead of:
“Ethan! Why would you hit your brother?”
Try:
“Kids, fighting isn’t okay. You can figure this out.”
Why does this work?
Because it keeps her emotionally neutral. It signals to both kids that she’s not stepping into the role of “Fixer of All Things.” It removes the triangle dynamic where one child is the victim, the other the villain, and mom is the judge.
By saying something like:
“I know you can figure it out. I trust you both.”
You’re sending two powerful messages:
I believe in your problem-solving skills.
I’m not your audience. You’re responsible for your relationship.
And that shift? It’s massive.
🧠 What’s Underneath the Conflict
Most kids are fighting not just with each other—but for something from you.
Here’s what I often see under sibling conflict:
A bid for attention—"Notice me! I'm here!"
A revenge pattern—"I’m mad at you (or Dad, or life), and I’m going to make you feel it."
A power struggle—"I don’t feel in control, so I’m going to control this."
And while you can’t stop sibling rivalry overnight, you can shift the pattern by asking yourself:
🧩 What is my child trying to say beneath the behavior?
🪞 Am I picking sides or staying neutral?
🎯 Am I helping them grow skills or solving it for them?
👣 A New Path Forward
Next time your kids are in the thick of it, try this three-step response:
Stay calm (even if you’re fuming inside—deep breath).
Use neutral language: “You guys need to work this out. I’m stepping back.”
Don’t take the bait: Trust that giving them space helps build skills they’ll use for life.
Because here’s the truth: the long game isn’t stopping the fights. It’s helping your kids learn to navigate conflict, grow empathy, and practice resolution—without always needing you in the middle.
That’s the gift. That’s the work. That’s the win.
💛 You’re Doing Better Than You Think
Raising siblings is messy. It’s noisy. It’s often hilarious in hindsight and brutal in the moment.
But every time you choose connection over control, neutrality over blame, and skill-building over refereeing—you’re laying the foundation for kids who know how to get along not just at home, but in the world.
And if this feels hard? That’s because it is. But you don’t have to do it alone.
📥 Need support navigating the sibling circus?
DM me or visit www.radzatconsulting.com to set up a free discovery call. I help families create calmer homes and stronger sibling bonds—with fewer refereeing whistles.
✨ Reflection Question: What would it look like to step back instead of step in the next time your kids fight?
Let me know in the comments—I’d love to hear how it’s going in your house.
Until next time,
Ashley 💛